Escape from Bondage – Part Three

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My last post, Escape from Bondage – Part Two, will make reading this one a bit easier.  And the one before that is called Escape from Bondage which I also recommend that you read, prior to Part Two.  I started out thinking that this topic was going to fit into a single post and that I would wrap it up within 500-700 words or so.  But after I wrote the first one, I realized that there was way too much material and more that needed to be said; so I added Parts Two and Three.

My Own Escape from Bondage Story

Well, I have a few of those stories.  But the latest one occurred a year ago this month and I am still experiencing the repercussions from it.  It involved a change of direction and more importantly, a complete change of mind and heart.  It had been a long time coming, but up until that point, I had no idea how embedded in a world of lies I’d become; lies that all too often presented themselves as the truth.  I hadn’t yet been given the grace to understand that the father of lies was behind the whole thing all along.  He always is.

In previous posts I’ve talked about my years in New York City where I was an aspiring actress and model.  In my pursuit of finding myself through the glitter and pizazz of stardom, I ended up losing myself in a battle I had no idea I was even fighting in the first place.  One dimension of that battle was my ego-driven endeavor to become a model.  In my early years from the late 80s through the 90s, the modeling work was sought after and obtained mostly through open calls which were posted in print publications, such as modeling directories.  (Open calls are opportunities for models to present themselves in person at a designated time and place where agents will be interviewing and looking over portfolios to decide on possible new talent.  I prefer referring to them as cattle calls.)

When the Internet came along, so did online networking opportunities, including certain services created specifically for models.  One of the top two services of this nature is called One Model Place and the other is called Model Mayhem.  I suppose this is a good time to reassure you that neither of these services is geared specifically toward pornographic or even risque type of work.  In fact, there are child models whose parents and/or agents utilize these sites for their promotional and marketing purposes, and they are completely legitimate, above board situations in all cases.  However, you will also notice the sexual undertones in many of the photos on these sites.  I find it deplorable that, given the nature of those suggestive photos, children whose images are posted on these sites could very easily stumble upon any one of those photos, read the model’s profile, look through his/her portfolio and be left with the impression that the whole thing is perfectly acceptable and, even worse, expected.  (I think I may have gone off on a bit of a tangent here, but I just get so angry when I think about the hypocrisy in society: Go after the child predators while at the same time encourage them by allowing children’s pictures to float around a sleazy modeling site, drawing all kinds of inappropriate attention from the random child predator public.)

So, back to my escape from bondage story…

It was one year ago that I started to feel extremely anxious every time I logged into my profile on each of these sites.  I noticed that my body got tense and I became irritable and moody.  I would look at the other models’ photos and start comparing myself to them.  I was insecure about my own photos and immediately starting judging myself based on my physical appearance.  I would also take note of the work these models claimed to have booked, including (as was the case with many of them) their extensive portfolios, wondering if I could ever possibly compete with the likes of them.  Insecurity descended upon me and I was instantly depressed, just like that.

Escape from Bondage and Find Peace

I started realizing that there was nothing tying me up or holding me down, and yet, for some strange reason I didn’t feel that I could walk away from the whole thing, delete my profiles and unsubscribe from those sites; it’s as if I was caught in a trap and couldn’t break free.  Then I started to pray the Holy Rosary on a regular basis and ask Our Lady for guidance and help.  I knew that I needed to escape from bondage but I also knew that I needed more than my own weak desire to escape; I needed the strength and graces from the Holy Spirit.  I was starved for peace and didn’t even realize to what extent until I finally found it.

I gradually started to realize that I didn’t need other photographers’ praise and admiration (which was usually false, anyway) or some ridiculous casting person dangling the carrot of empty promises.  Even if there was real work to book, I certainly wasn’t going to be raking in the bucks as I flitted from one glamorous modeling assignment to another.  In the interest of time and space, I can’t possibly elaborate in the way in which I’d like to by giving specific details and examples of what I experienced through those sites.  But I will say that the modeling industry is certainly not lacking in the scum department.  I closed one account over the phone and logged onto the other one to close my account online, but as soon as I logged on I found a disturbing photo, right smack on the front page, of some men posing suggestively with each other, half naked, and that was the last straw for me.  I thought, I am so done with this garbage. And as soon as my profiles were inactivated I felt that a chunk of my history was too.  But the good news was that it was a chunk of my history that should never have been there in the first place.  It had been a good 20 years or so that I’d been in captivity.  And all of a sudden, I was free and at peace.

If someone is feeling the need to escape from bondage, whatever that bondage may be, I can’t stress enough the power that the Holy Rosary has and the way in which Our Lady comes to our aid when we call upon her.  Peace is probably Satan’s greatest enemy, and he must cower when he sees a soul at peace, especially someone who is under the love and protection of the Virgin Mary.

Now, back to the beginning of this post where I spoke of the repercussions I’ve been experiencing since my escape from bondage a year ago…

Please stop back soon, and I will continue where I left off here.  Otherwise, this may as well become a book!

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Comments

  1. Aaron Lee says:

    Good write-up about Escape from Bondage! Have you ever thought perhaps ex-model can be an author someday? Happy Blessed Sunday.

  2. @Aaron Lee – Thank you Aaron! Happy Monday to you, and I appreciate your vote of confidence:)

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